12 Hours

12 hours by Luke Tonks

Sitting in the park opposite my home, in the dead of night and staring up at the stars, thinking of home the boys, all the boys I’ve left behind, all the ones I’ve wanted to spend forever with, now barely remember their names, and why this one has to go, and leave me alone, it was supposed to be me, me who leaves, the inevitable closing of the door, the blank stare when the, “why? Let’s give it another go...” comes along. My eyes well up, my lids useless buckets overflowing and staining my face with their salty contents. Its 5 to midnight and I’m not in the least bit tired, the thoughts running through my head won’t allow for tiredness, only for confusion.

The walls around it speak nothing of what you would normally thing of as a park, more like a space on a plate where there once was a cake, or a bomb site where there was once a row of house’s, shops, life, Eire, but nice enough, the grass scorched from the hot summer beneath me is dry as I lie down with my arms splayed out on the grass.

“Thought I’d find you here”
He stands at the gate, skinny body, well dressed, dry sense of humour, his voice echoing around the boxed park.
“Hey, you left early without saying goodbye”
“Yeah, mm I know I couldn’t really stand it, all those people. What you doing here?”
“Came to find you, plus I couldn’t really stand it either, Janine, and Mark, and the rest of them where well pissed, you know how it gets? Embarrassing?”
He comes closer and sits on the grass next to me, stokes my hair, and I turn to face him, stare at his face, it seems so unfamiliar now.
“I can’t understand it, I still can’t, you leaving, I never thought it would actually happen”
“Don’t, don’t ruin it for me, I thought you’d be happy for me”
“What?” my hand brushes my face wiping the tears away
“I’m only going to Uni, it’s not like I’ll be gone forever.”
“Always knew this day would come … you know, you’re going to make new friends, and forget about me, forget about all of us, you’ve outgrown us”
“Hey Scott, you’ve had a few to drink, you don’t mean that.”
“No I do, you’re different from us Frankie WE ARE NOT LIKE YOU, I’ll still be here, in 5 years, probably still working in the same café, I can’t be someone that you just see on the holidays, I just can’t, I can’t just slot in when you need me, it doesn’t work like that, I don’t work like that.”
“What? So you’re ending it? You’re such a hypocrite, I never wanted to end it, and deep down you don’t, I know you don’t.”
I don’t say anything, because I know what ever comes out of my mouth will be a lie, because I don’t, I know this man, I reach out and hold him, brush my hands through his blonde dry curls on his head. Feel his warm skin, listen to the sound of his breath on my neck, and it hurts, it hurts because I know, I know deep down that it’s never going to be the same again. I can see it now, all the cute guys he’ll meet, in the first week. Cute, intelligent, interesting, I pale in comparison, I don’t stand a chance.
He pulls away from me and looks at me with his brown eyes, “Don’t do this to yourself”
“What? I don’t feel bad, I just want to enjoy this last night with you, I so don’t want to be the boyfriend at home, you know I don’t want that, I think we should break up, let’s not ruin it, let’s not think bad of each other, or draw it out too long”
“Shit, I never expected that, is this honestly what you want? I love you, you know?”
“Thanks”
“Thanks?”
“Yeah. What times your dad droppin’ you off?”
“Changing the subject?” smiling and gives me a shuv, “If you must know it’s gonna be about 12, you comin’ or what? Or you planning on stayin here all night?”

He grabs my hand and we walk into the hazy night and the street lights lighting our way like a gothic black and white silent still. The way back I let him lead the way, I rest on his arm, we don’t say a word, the simple understanding we have, and the knowing that this moment is all we have. Suddenly a Blue door stands in front of us, his home.
“I don’t want to go home”
“It’s my dad though; you know he doesn’t let me have boys over.”
I look at him roll my eyes, and bat my lashes.
“Well, I suppose what he don’t know won’t hurt him, I could sneak you in” his smile, again, this is why we got together in the first place, because nothing else matters when I see that smile.
He turns the key on the lock and looks around to me pressing his finger to his lips, so cute, I want to kiss him. We stumble through the door and head quietly up the stairs to his room which lies directly opposite the stairs. He closes the door behind me, and turns to face me, kisses me on the neck the face, his hands running down my back and into my boxers. Me gripping onto him and wanting him so badly, We stumble over to the bed still clutching each other and he falls back onto it, me climbing on top of him and pulling his buttoned shirt over his head, I run my fingers over his chest, wondering if this is the last time, our last time. His skin is hot to the touch and I feel his hard cock press against my thigh which makes me so hot for him. He releases my button from my jeans and pulls them down, I make love to him for what seems like hours, as if time stands still, and then collapse in a heap of sweat and heat, the open window bringing breeze in, as we hold each other’s naked bodies beneath the white cotton sheets.

Groggy, I look over to the window, light pours through, the morning is silent, beautiful, I lie there thinking about when we first met over 2 years ago, fresh out of school, and the beautiful times we spent together, how inseparable we were, how we never let each other out of our sights, how we never wanted to end up together, and how just 3 month ago we did. All of this a build up to this moment, when we have to leave each other’s side and I know that it can’t go on, I pull myself to the edge of the bed and put my boxers on. Look around the room at the boxes ready to go up later that day, and wipe a tear from my eye.
He stirs and faces me, his eyes, so sexy,
“Morning beautiful”
“It’s 8.30, I have to be at work in an hour, sorry about last night”
“Hey forget about it, it’s going to be a pretty mental day!”
“Let me know how you get on, I’m gonna shoot off before we get too mushy, you know I’m no good at goodbyes, ring me ok?” I stroke his face and push a tear onto the sheet, turn away and put my clothes on. His hand touches my shoulder,
“I’ll miss you”
I touch his hand and face him, I plant my lips on his and feel the moist saliva connect and mix.
“Ring me” I turn and walk out of the door and down the stairs, then straight out onto the street.

At work I’m a mess, My eyes are puffy, I managed a quick shower back at home, A buzz goes off in my pocket I check my phone, its Frankie, its 5 to 12 just before the lunchtime rush, he must be just getting ready to leave. My thoughts go back to 5 to midnight, 12 hours ago, the box park. I take a breath and read,
Scott, it I could change the course of time I would, I never thought you would do this, I never thought this would change things so much, I love you, and I’ll be thinking of you in this 5 hour car journey listening to my dad’s music. I understand BUT RIGHT NOW I WISH U WERE HERE. Don’t change, I love you always, Frankie x
A tear drops on the phone. I close my eyes briefly, look away from the text and a customer walks through the door.

x Hope you enjoyed please feel free to live feedback xxxx

Tragic Poem

So currently Im sitting in a room looking out of a window at a Gorgeous view and thinking- WOW! This is my last week here in this home I have called home for the last 9 months! People living in Brighton are an odd bunch of people, we seem to come here running away from one thing or another, searching for ourselves (constantly) which is (constantly) changing from day to day... We are always on the move even in this city, our friends change, fitness reshemes, homes, clothes, and beliefs are always being shaken up, in fear that one day we might wake up and say- O I do wish I went to see that band/ ate more healthly/ lived in that side of town...
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So thinking about this I wrote a poem.. Please let me know what you think.. Ciao xx
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Its not that someone elsewhere that is unhappy,
Leaving me frightfully cool,
Happilly blissed out with my Ice cold Soya Latte,
Restoring the Balance
Everywhere has its thing,
We are all searching for the same in different ways,
look down to the humdrum, a meloncholic, "Thank God its not me"
Between the next yoga, and life modelling class, and detox juice fast,
Your unbound and boundless, when you can leave at anytime, without guilt and without a note to the ones who are left,
is this what we're left with?
Nothing?
Only a storage crate off Lewes road,
full of the things you have collected on this wacky ride
When everyone is popping out kids where will you be?
Searching the Friday ad for your next house share, and starting over?
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Unintentional intentions keep your mind body and spirit in check,
and your chakras aligned for the next house party,
Change Sapping your energy,
The neverending rearrange of your friends you would have done anything for,
wish they would have/could have stuck around, like your mates back home,
The Humdrum you see doesnt make you too blue, Cus at least you have reliability to get you through

xx

World AIDS day

Hello fellow blog buddies! Well today is World Aids day, and I thought Id take the time to put a post out to remember all those people with HIV and AIDS. Today I put a status up on Facebook to remember all those who have died and are living with HIV. One of my friends replied also highlighting the stigma attached to having HIV, today someone lives in fear of telling those close to them, including their employees, for fear of judgement and discrimination.

Early diagnosis of this illness, with the right treatment, can mean a healthy life for people with this illness, its not the same as in the 1980's and the stigma, at least in this country is no where near as bad as what it was. It also brings to light the millions who die of inaccurate information and fear, if people are told that wearing a condom is a sin- even in this day and age, are they the ones to blame?

It is up to us all, and all of our responsibilities to to encourage equality for people living with HIV, having an illness, doesn't mean that you are of no use to society. Although it should be everybody's choice to keep a secret, they shouldn't be fearful of the consequences of not. So people wear your wear ribbons with pride, and speak for equality for all.

If you are around in Brighton on the 15th December, there is an exhibit for 100 artists for World AIDS Day at the Phoenix Gallery and help to raise money for the Terrance Higgins trust an AIDS charity who's goal is to improve sexual health- Maybe Ill see you there ;) Love to all. Luke

100 Artists for World Aids Day - Brighton 2010

Flyer for 100 artists for World aids day

Community Garden!!

Brilliant! We might just get a community garden!! This is good news! Why? because, it means learning for the community, the joy and fun of getting involved mucking in and getting our hands dirty!! The proposed site will be in Queens park, a fabulous place at the top of Hanover in Brighton. Currently we are going through all the checks, to make sure its all OK to go ahead, applying for grants, and getting excited in the process. It also means the possibility of marking off one more of my to do list!! Grow my own food, apart from it will be a few of us!! yeah!! its gonna be ace, fingers crossed for us that we get it!! People interested in the project, and wanting to get involved, in creating potential workshops, or just generally mucking in should email mei-wah, weimah@hotmail.com

Check out the pics:

why I blog

Why did I start blogging? Well ever the one to ramble on, and loving writing my own stuff, and wanting to keep the world updated with my antics also. I decided to go for it, and make a blog. My blog has totally been a journey, Ive used it to review to post things up and also tread that fine line of hanging out my dirty washing in public... always a funny adventure, Ive used it to grow up, and also I hope to inspire others.

Things change though the same as people do, Ive been on and off 20 something bloggers, promoting my blog, but I love to know the feeling that people I know are reading my blog, it is a great feeling that. Yeah I might not be the most consistent blogger out there but I do love it. Its great random strangers reading my blog, but it must be quite boring if you don't know the person, and I know I want this blog to be about lots of things- not just one thing, although I'm sometimes not sure what threads it all together, that's me. Are we all not like that? The answers probably no and that is what makes the blogging community so brilliant and interesting, we are all so different.

I put a post up a few months ago on 20sb regarding why people stat blogging, there was such a varied response. It seems that there was alot of people just wanting to vent themselves and have a place to feel heard! Writing for me is so theraputic, theres no judgement you can just keep going, not worrying what the other person might think, but I also don't want to be just posting "my all" up here- Ill leave that for my diary!! (or should I call it verbal-diary-a)

Anyway, leave a comment or funny response should you be inclined to do so below, xxx

CUTS

What should we think as what we know and love falls around us?

fact: Our world is changing, the shit has finally hit the fan. In light of the recent protests across the UK, over well... everything! But being a student I can definitely understand more whats going on from that side of the dice. We are now going to be forced to pay excessive fees to go to to university, a rite that should not be denied to us. I wouldn't be able to go to university if it wasn't for the subsidise from the government, I mean really, I don't want to be in debt for the rest of my life.

We are paying for the debts of our past generations, proof that capitalism left uncapped isn't working, the fact that our whole banking system is just about had it, and the state has had to take control of it, a state that allows the likes of Vodaphone to get away with taxes (taxes that we all have to pay) and the bankers still getting their juicy bonuses, whilst the rest of us get dealt this??

What makes it worse is that we are led to believe this is a good thing, "its for the best" hummm I don't think so. By the time I'm ready to retire I'm not sure they'll even be such a thing, its all so very Orwellian!!

Soo what are the other options? Well we can either carry on the way we are, making more cuts and dragging this dead horse through the market, or we can actually start to see this for what it is, and change the system. Uncapped growth is crazy and its putting all our futures and future generations at stake both financially and environmentally. Its all very well making cuts, but were does it end, and who pays the price??

I was in Brighton yesterday for the student marches and I was abit worried, I even heard a Police man say that they were under prepared for the protest- really? I'm shocked!! I mean it was a publicised event, why were they not prepared? In London a Police van was hijacked, that was left unattended, the police never went to get it, again suspect. I believe our civil liberties are under threat at the moment, if Police can sort out football riots whats stopping them sorting this out? Ill leave you to figure that one out.. Protesters are beginning to be given a bad name, Ive lost count how many face book updates with people moaning about protesters, the news and media are also running riot with it at the moment. I hope people see that it is their right and they should stand up and say, enough is enough, this government needs to live up to their promises. Its why we voted (well not me exactly) them in the first place, and now, we are being lied and manipulated against.

So people, find your own voice, and shout, this is why we pay taxes, we don't pay this much tax to get dealt this hand. It is not what we deserve.

Please leave a comment below telling me your thoughts and views, even if it is aginst mine, Id love to hear from you!